Thankfulness is all I need to be free

After languishing for an inordinate length of time, I am again hearing that talk of my promotion is back on the table. Yes, it’s been a long time coming and there’s a part of me that feels like they’re forced to give it only because their ulterior plans depend on it happening and that they aren’t necessarily convinced I can do the job.

I have been trying to get out of the company in search of greener pastures since it was becoming so obvious that I was the only one left in the team who has not been promoted. Let me tell you, as someone who doesn’t like sticking out in the crowd, it’s been very uncomfortable at an escalating rate, to say the least, especially as my “contemporaries” have all moved up. (It’s PeopleSupport Verisign 27 all over again.)

But who am I to question something that I have asked God for, albeit inconsistently, since the possibility was introduced to me four years ago? Who am I to impose doubt on God’s timing if, indeed, this is it? The Holy Spirit reminds me of the many individuals who weren’t ready, weren’t necessarily rockstar employees, and weren’t good at selling themselves yet all of them handpicked by God to carry out His plan for my life. Whatever the circumstances surrounding this event are — whether or not it is imminent — have no real value when we realize it was God who moved behind the scenes.

I have to be thankful. I can only be thankful! It is the only disposition for me to shed all thoughts that lead to self-doubt or cynicism. Being deeply thankful means taking a position of utmost humility, going back to the reality that I deserve nothing yet am on the receiving end of unending grace manifested in many forms. It unchains me from the tendency to harbor ill thoughts and feelings whichever direction things may take. Lord, please let it be.

Here we go again

It’s that time of the year again when I have the luxury of quiet moments to contemplate whether or not to stay in this company. What’s funny is the level of energy driving my thoughts towards going ahead with it is met with an equally forceful opposite. I get to thinking about how while the past 12 months demanded beyond what was healthy, I was able to get past them by God’s grace, which further tells me to keep trusting that He will do the same no matter how difficult the coming challenges may be.

But in the same vein, I should wield the same faith and hope to just take the leap. Not into the unknown but into starting my own venture. The problem there is it remains a hazy idea. I know I want to go into business but what kind? How will I be able to sustain my lifestyle? I don’t spend much except for the Uber and Grab fares that make up most of my daily allowance.

So, anyhow, back to square one. Do I weather it out ’til I’m bald and so heavy I won’t be able to even shower on my own? Or do I seriously start planning the exit?

 

 

The door opening grows wider

To me there is nothing better to do now than wait out the rest of 2016 on a two-week vacation leave from work. Of course, I’m really not vacationing somewhere; I’m at home stuffing my face and packing on the pounds. But it is a welcome break for all intents and purposes and I’m happy to just sleep late and not have to commute to rush to the city, traffic day in and day out.

One thing that I’ve also been doing is looking at job openings, which leads me to what I’m going to talk about in this post.

It’s accurate to say that nothing much has changed since my last melodramatic post half a year ago. During these past six months, I continued to stare longingly outside the four walls of my workplace, figuratively speaking.

I applied for a few posts that I thought would fit and got interviewed for one. But that was it, one interview and never heard from them again.

On one hand, to be honest, I don’t want to leave this company or the team. But I do feel the need for movement, somewhere towards what will really maximize my interests and skills. And that’s digital content management. Is there a path for me in that direction here? I have no idea, really. The people they’ve put in digital are either IT guys or digital marketing kids, people who have the background ON PAPER. I don’t have it, at least not in this organization.

So I get on LinkedIn and Jobstreet a lot, looking for that opportunity to bail and do what I miss from 24MAS — social media content, web content, PR writing, following the mobile industry — minus getting shortchanged by an absentee boss, of course. But so far, I got zero.

There were a couple of times I spoke with my manager about my career. It didn’t lead to anywhere. Initially, I said I was not interested in the role I could be promoted to but we agreed that I would be given the chance to move up after some training. A couple of months after, I overhear that they’re looking to hire someone who will be trained to move up as my boss because, he said (to someone), I didn’t want the job. This left me confused but I didn’t bother asking for clarification anymore because I knew deep inside I was just fooling myself thinking I could pull off taking over the set of responsibilities that went with the promotion.

I know that even if I did get a promotion, the situation would only be forced and, as such, nothing good will ever come out of it. It helps that books I’ve been reading recently are reinforcing the value of me contributing to this company the way I am; I don’t need to change my temperament and that the hard work itself is the reward. These books have also given me assurance that the way I am, my temperament, my skills and expertise, do have value. I don’t need to reinvent myself. Plus, I am contributing and it doesn’t matter at all whether I get the recognition for it or not.

All these realizations are leading me closer to the door once ajar but opening ever wider. I just don’t see beyond the door. Until I do I mustn’t stop praying. I don’t have the answers or any indications on the short-term plan this company has for me, if any. But I need to get God’s assurance in my waiting. Every day will be difficult but by His grace it will feel less and less strenuous.

 

Questions on the present tide

Nearly everyone in my department has been promoted from the positions we were in when I first joined this company three years ago. Those who had been on the same level as me and those in other positions have been promoted. It doesn’t look like anything will happen soon because the person above me doesn’t want to move up either because they feel they’re not ready yet to take on a bigger role.

Why not check out other departments and see what they have? Not an option. I’m a comms major. I can’t do finance, or legal, or corporate planning, etc. Numbers are shapes to me. Technical contracts give me a headache.

The thing is if I’m going to be really honest, I’m not sure I really want to get promoted to the next positions anyway. I don’t want/like/need to be busy with taking care of other people’s career paths and making sure they help meet our targets. I find that insufferably boring, plus I don’t want to be taken away from being able to create.

So why am I spending this time feeling left out? Why do I care when I’m not really 100% working towards that goal anyway?

It’s because I don’t have the assurance that I am contributing meaningfully to this organization. The company tends to reward and commend those who are good at closing deals, inventing processes, and leading groups of people in projects—things I don’t think I have the talent for. All I have is passion for my own work. And in this company that doesn’t seem to count for much, especially when your work is dictated. Sure, I can deliver what you need but it still won’t make you think I deserve a raise beyond the imposed brackets.

But the bigger reason I’m concerned, or think I ought to be, for my stagnation is I might end up as another expendable. In the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder if they will notice the fact that I haven’t been promoted or don’t have any extracurricular activities and realize that, well, I don’t all of a sudden fit.

Yes, God has plans to prosper me and not harm me. I have no doubt about that. The hard part is convincing yourself everyday about that truth. I am an easy target for the enemy when I don’t see anything to be proud about. My poor memory is a bane in this area.

 

Init ng Pasko

The warmth of Christmas has bounced back from cliche status. All around the northern hemisphere it is literally warmer than we’ve been used to. I was in a car riding shotgun yesterday and with the clear sky above I was baking in my seat. Not bothering to get under the covers at night either and I need a fan to cool me down to sleep. Still hoping January delivers the cooler temps though.

A Merry Christmas to all, nonetheless.

December’s Woes

I’ve been away for a couple of weeks and only today witnessed how the already ludicrous mess that is Metro Manila traffic has worsened. The Ubers and GrabCars are the only ones laughing to the bank with their surcharges, too.

Even on the Skyway, vehicles were moving at a snail’s pace during both morning and evening rush hour traffic.

There’s just too many vehicles and too few passable roads in this city. I think things would ease up a bit if roads were de-clogged of vendors, settlers, and other blocks. It would also help to open up these private villages whose residents’ cars occupy the city streets most of the day anyway.

I know I’m not sharing anything new here but might as well throw my voice in the chorus.

No, this is NOT a Manila road on rush hour. But don't you wish it were?

Free Toy Inside

I was getting in my Uber today when I felt something pointy on the seat. I picked it up to look and, well, there’s your interesting bit of the day. It kept me preoccupied for the rest of my ride to work. Don’t know where you get these but it surely looks like a freebie from somewhere. Molded plastic toys like this were a staple when we were kids. We made the most of them since we couldn’t afford the die-cast metal ones with movable parts.

Chicken Pesto Pasta

After reviewing over five slightly different recipes, I finally got around to the cooking part and came up with this.

As if vehicle pollution wasn’t enough

I don’t know if it’s the haze wafting all the way to here from Indonesia but the heat tonight sure woke me up. It’s practically November already and still I’m sweating on my collar.

I got up to look out my window and, what do you know, the surrounding looks smokey. Definitely not a fog because it was only 2 a.m. and, again, a bit warm.

And there’s that smell of burning leaves. Yep, haze is here.